… school we go.

I’m ambivalent. 

So far my packing has consisted of me seeing things around the house and thinking, “Hmm, that’s mine. I need that,” bringing said object up to my room and dumping it in a corner thinking, “Hmm, I’ll pack that nicely later.”

I have homework. I hate emails. I’m in MALAYSIA for goodness sake. You’re at DUKE! It’s not even the same universe. Why do I have homework?! NO!

I can’t really think past next Wednesday night and my flight. Usually I enter school year with some sort of expectation, some emotional well… anything towards the new year. Not now. 

I just want a job. 

Also, I want a blinding light to show me the right path for my future.

Thus far, my impression of my future is drastically different from what my parents’ impression is of what my impression is for my future. Huh?

The problem is, I’m pretty sure my natural instinct is to avoid being a leader/ a responsible human being at all cost. The thought of having people depend on me gives me a head ache and cold sweats. BUT for some strange and unknown reason, between my subconscious animal instinct, raw being type level and my conscious level, there is a middle level that keeeeeeeeeeps pushing me to take up roles of leadership and responsibility. I spend a lot of time talking this middle level down. My subconscious cries when this middle level acts up. And it acts up a lot.

That middle level is why I was in charge of 400 individual’s collective pool of money. Why I ended up planning a semi formal. And now why I’m in charge of organizing the details for the choir. It all reeks hideously of leadership. Ye-uck. 

Point being, right now, I’m having cold sweats again thinking about how to run this thing smoothly. I mean it’s been done before, it’s not a hard thing. But I just… am very aware of every single thing I do wrong. Or every inefficiency I cannot eliminate. I analyze and over analyze every action I take before I take it. Do you know how much hair loss that translates into?

My subconscious is seriously unhappy. It wants to spend Sunday mornings in bed watching re runs of Chuck. 

For the larger and greater point, I’m not naturally inclined to want to lead. My 4 years of college have proven that much to me. So as far as my natural subconscious, raw being is concerned, I want to have nothing to do with The Company. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I want to be the kid that lives off the royalties without lifting a finger. I don’t want to spend nights analyzing and over analyzing every action making sure I see all the subtext, the facts, the possibly repercussions, alternate actions. (I’ve already made an erroneous move by not compartmentalizing my thoughts. See. Crap.) 

My conscious is well and capable of letting subconscious level run the show. I pretty much go with the flow. Middle level, however, thinks self torture is fun. It also happens to have the domineering personality most masochists have. 

DAMN YOU MIDDLE LEVEL, I WAVE MY FIST AT YOU!